


Xeno Sleepy Time Hugs

by NihilismBot



Category: Xenoblade Chronicles X, Xenogears, Xenosaga
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Cuddling & Snuggling, Dogpile on Rico, Established Relationship, F/F, F/M, M/M, Minor Angst, Minor cursing, Multi, Phog panicking, Sleepy Cuddles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-02
Updated: 2020-01-30
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:34:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22077787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NihilismBot/pseuds/NihilismBot
Summary: Xeno Series Cuddle fics!
Relationships: Background Doug Barret/Hope Alanzi, Background Kentaro Nagi/Frye Christoph, KOS-MOS/Shion Uzuki, Phog Christoph/Yelv
Comments: 6
Kudos: 20





	1. Yelv/Phog

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yelv is late returning from a mission and Phog assumes the worst.

There was always a risk of people not returning from a mission. Intervals of mild anxiety went hand-in-hand with being on Mira. Phog was able to spend most of his time blissfully compartmentalizing his worries and instead focusing on the nature of the world around him. But whenever his close friends were away, he couldn't fight the nagging worry.

Yelv had assured him that the mission would be simple and he'd be back in no time without a scratch on him. He even promised to bring him a cool rock or something.

“Make sure it's a rock and not petrified indigen feces again.” Phog's expression made it difficult to tell if he was joking or not.

Wincing at the memory, Yelv responded. “It'll be a rock, I promise.”

Yelv pulled Phog in for a quick hug before turning to meet with his squad. Phog was left alone to try and fight the the growing fear in the back of his mind.

It was easy enough at first, he still had work to do for the Prospectors and that kept him occupied for a few days. But now he had a lull in work and still no word from Yelv.

“His squad checked in at the Nav Point, right?” Frye tried to cheer him up.

“Yeah,” Phog responded.

Frye took a swig of his drink as they sat together in the booth at the Repenta Diner. “So there's probably no problem.”

“Or they don't want to admit that there's a problem. Or there was a problem right after they checked in. Or there will be a problem on the way back. Or-”

“Geez, calm down!” Frye interrupted, “You're making up crap just to work yourself up now. Do you do this shit when I'm gone?”

“Yes.” Phog's sudden and earnest response shocked Frye.

Frye took another drink. “Well cut that out. Nothing here is stronger than the Killer Ostrich.”

“That's not true. There's plenty of indigens that could easily overpower you. And Skell accidents aren't uncommon either. And your own squad could betray you. Or you could fall in-”

“PHOG! Cut it out! God, I'm not even on a mission right now and you're getting me freaked out. How does Yelv put up with you?”

The small smile on Phog's face was made all the harder to see with how his hair covered his face while he dipped down his head. “I don't know.”

Frye leaned back in his seat. “Look. Just do something to keep your mind off it, okay? Go for a walk or do some shopping or... Collect rocks? Whatever it is Prospectors do.” He took another drink. “Also if he makes you cry, I'm splitting his head open.”

Phog tried to take Fry's advice, but struggled to come up with activities. He cleaned the whole kitchen in the common area, he reorganized his mineral collection, he ranked pizza toppings, he cataloged the best frozen yogurt places in New LA, he counted the steps it took him to get back to the barracks, he sorted his pajamas by softness. Finally, he diligently rolled around in his cot while waiting for Yelv.

Phog was dutifully keeping track of the pros and cons of each position he tried on the mattress. So far he was favoring laying on his stomach with his right arm tucked under his chest, his left arm dangling off the bed, and his legs in a figure four position. Keeping one arm close allowed him the comfort of holding something while having the other arm dangle let him keep a semblance of freedom. The leg position seemed automatic rather than serving any particular comfort.

The merits of this position considered, Phog felt obligated to try a new one. He rolled on to his back, bending his left leg and hanging his right leg off the bed. He draped his right arm across his face and rested the left on his chest. It was relaxing, but he wasn't convinced that he could sleep in that position. If anything, this position seemed to encourage him to keep his eyes open and stress about where Yelv could be.

Soon heard the unmistakable footsteps of someone who was clearly indifferent to everyone else trying to sleep.

Phog excitedly rolled over to confirm who had entered the room and couldn't suppress a smile as he saw the tan man stroll over to his bunk. Yelv began to strip off his armor and Phog immediately turned away. It wasn't uncommon for people to strip to some degree (some even confidently strolled around in the buff) in the barracks, but it was still something that Phog felt obligated to turn away from.

“Hey, scoot over.” Phog heard a gruff voice try and whisper. It was a bit softer than Yelv's normal speaking voice at least.

There was a part of Phog that wanted to object to them sharing such a small space when Yelv clearly hadn't showered, but mostly he was relieved to have his partner back. They could worry about cleaning the grime later. He shifted as close to the edge of the cot as he could without falling out.

Technically, this was the barracks for the Prospectors and Yelv shouldn't be there, but such mixing was common in all of the BLADE barracks. Though since it was known about, it would have been nice if the cots could have been at least a bit wider to better accommodate two people. Right now though, Phog didn't mind the closeness.

Yelv's chest was flush against his back, an arm draped across him. Phog eagerly took hold of Yelv's hand and intertwined their fingers.

“Missed me?” Yelv half-laughed.

“Yes.” Phog pulled Yelv's hand closer to his chest.

Yelv placed a kiss to the back of Phog's head. “Sorry, it took longer then expected. You must've been planning my funeral.”

Phog chewed on his lip. “Maybe...”

Yelv tangled their legs together. He chuckled a little, “Was it a fun funeral at least?”

“What's a 'fun funeral'? How would that work?”

“I dunno. Upbeat music, drinking, dancing. That sort of thing.” Yelv shifted. “Hey, lift up your head for a sec.”

Phog did as he was asked and Yelv stretched his other arm underneath Phog's head, his hand dangling off the bed. “You'll lose circulation if you sleep like this,” Phog kept his head raised.

“With what blood?”

“Ah... Right.” Phog lowered his head down to rest on Yelv's bicep.

Yelv nuzzled Phog and briefly squeezed him close. “I remembered your rock, but you'll have to wait to get it. Don't feel like moving now.”

Phog kissed Yelv's hand. “Having you back is enough.”


	2. Champ's Bed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Champ's bed should really be a king

Technically speaking, the bed in the Champion's Room was sized to fit two people. But speaking practically, it fit one Rico.

This should have been a major deterrent against trying to share a bed with Rico, but his gang was a determined and resourceful bunch.

Suzarn was thankfully slim enough that she could fit next to Rico. Sure, she had to let a leg and possibly an arm dangle off the bed, but it was fine. Rico kept an arm around her shoulders and that was enough reassurance that she wouldn't fall off the bed in her sleep.

Leonardo wasn't as small as Suzarn, but he could still manage to wedge himself between her and Rico. Frequently he would be yelled at to move by the pair, but he was never asked to fully leave. He had even offered to sleep on the couch once but Suzarn insisted that there was plenty of room. Rico muttered that there really wasn't.

Heinrich lay on top of Rico entirely. Rico would groan about him being too heavy, but wouldn't shove him away.

“Lose weight if you're gonna use me as a bed,” Rico protested.

Heinrich nestled closer to the Champ. “Shut up, you love it.”

Rico growled and shifted a bit under Heinrich, but made no more argument.

Vargas had the hardest time fitting in the already full bed. Or perhaps he had the easiest time. He would wait for everyone else to carefully maneuver and fit themselves on the bed , and then he would lay across them off.

“Fuck off, Vargas!” Rico yelled.

He immediately feigned sleep.

“I can't sleep with you on top of me!” Heinrich whined.

“The fuck do you think I feel?” Rico wriggled, trying to shake off at least one of the people on top of him.

Heinrich and Leonardo kept their positions steady by clinging to the bed (and Suzarn in Leonardo's case.) Vargas didn't have to worry about being thrown off when he easily had the most sturdy position save for Rico.

Finally, Rico gave up. “Don't you assholes have your own beds?” he sighed and his his head against the pillow.

“You're the only bed for me, Champ.” Heinrich smiled against Rico's chest.

“Everyone knows the champ has the nicest bed,” Suzarn explained.

Vargas continued to pretend to be asleep but did nuzzle closer to everyone.

“I might have nightmares, Boss,” Leonardo laughed.

Sighing, Rico closed his eyes. “I fucking hate all of you.”


	3. KOS-MOS/Shion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shion has a horrible no good very bad day.

When Shion had been awoken by the crack of thunder, she already knew it was going to be a difficult day. She tried suggesting that they leave the Kukai Foundation for a while, didn't they have business on Second Miltia? Or Fifth Jerusalem? Or the void of space? Unfortunately, chaos reminded her that they couldn't leave just yet, Jr. still had a few meetings in the Foundation and they really ought to wait for him.

Tense, Shion grimly nodded in agreement and tried a different strategy to rid herself of the weather. She found the Godwin twins and asked if they couldn't postpone the rain until the Elsa had left.

“Unfortunately, we have a strict weather schedule,” Shelley explained, “We told the people there would be rain today so we have to stick with that.”

_Can't you make an exception?_ Shion thought, though refrained from asking. Again, she pursed her lips and nodded. So, the fate of her day had been decided.

It could be argued, and certainly Jin would argue, that Shion's belief that the rest of her day was going to be a disaster was what caused the rest of her day to be a disaster. If she had endeavored to have a good day, the universe would have been kinder to her. But greeting the day with a scowl and hunched shoulders made the universe give her the same.

Shion would snap at her brother to shut up.

The rain was too loud, and who could focus when there were sudden flashes of light and the bangs of thunder? Shion having a negative attitude wasn't what prevented her from working, it was the environment. Everyone was staying indoors, the skies were gray, you couldn't walk anywhere without getting wet and cold. It didn't matter what Shion thought about the weather, it was how it effected everyone else around her.

It wasn't just Shion remembering all the people she had lost in the rain. It wasn't the loss of her parents distracting her. It wasn't the memory of Kevin's weight in her arms as she cradled him when his life was taken. It was the objective reality of thunderstorms. 

Sighing, she decided to turn in early. From her bunk in the Elsa inside the Durandal's dock, she could barely hear the patter of rain. It wasn't as comfortable as the hotel on the Foundation, but it was quiet. 

Though perhaps that was no good either.

In the quiet, save the faint roars of thunder in the distance, Shion's thoughts were free to roam. Sitting upright in her bed, she grabbed a datapad and began reading whatever was on the screen. Hopefully it would be dull enough that she could fall right to sleep with no further brain interruptions. 

“Shion.”

Ah, a KOS-MOS interruption. Well, that was acceptable.

“What is it KOS-MOS?” Shion looked up from the screen. 

The android stood still as always. Perhaps seeing her loom over the bed should be unnerving but Shion smiled at her presence. 

“You are stressed,” KOS-MOS stated.

Yes, all day she had been. Though realizing that even KOS-MOS noticed did make Shion feel slightly ashamed. “It's nothing.”

“Would you like me to help you relax?”

Ah, that was unexpected. “If you want to?” What help was KOS-MOS offering exactly? Shion's mind raced as she tried to recall any sort of “comfort” protocol that KOS-MOS may have had.

Shion was still a bit lost in thought as she felt the bed dip down beside her. She looked over to see KOS-MOS getting in to the bed with her. The blue haired woman wrapped an arm around Shion and pulled her close to rest her head against her chest.

“Is this comfortable?” KOS-MOS asked.

“Yeah...” She sighed contently, “KOS-MOS, how did you know I was stressed?”

“Your adrenaline levels have been high all day and a pattern of your behavior shows elevated stress during thunderstorms.” 

“Right...” Shion relaxed against KOS-MOS. “Thank you.”

“Your well-being is my top priority.” 

Distantly, Shion wondered why KOS-MOS hadn't done this more often. Perhaps the opportunity hadn't come up. Certainly, Shion spent most of her time being stressed, but she also spent an alarming amount of time in life-threatening situations. This must have been a rare moment when her stress was not brought about by the immediate fear of death and when she had the luxury of being able to relax with KOS-MOS beside her. It was nice. 

“Would you like to rest, Shion?” KOS-MOS soothingly rubbed her shoulder.

In the morning, they would leave the Kukai Foundation and be back to their dangerous lives. Back to inter-dimensional beings destroying all life in the galaxy, back to groups attacking them for reasons they could never explain clearly, back to cryptic little girls.

“Will you stay with me?” Shion asked.

KOS-MOS nodded. “If you wish.”

Shion slid down the bed to lay down fully then tugged on KOS-MOS' hand to signal her to join her. KOS-MOS lay next to her and again wrapped an arm around her, pulling her close. As Shion lay her head on KOS-MOS' chest, she thought of the strangeness of hearing no heartbeat. Instead, there was a soft and steady whir of machinery. It was soothing in its own way and so uniquely KOS-MOS' own. 

Perhaps it was worth the anxiety of the day to now have this moment with her faithful protector. Shion wrapped an arm around KOS-MOS, pulling their bodies closer. 

“Goodnight, KOS-MOS,” Shion murmured against KOS-MOS' chest.

A soft voice, replied, “Goodnight, Shion.”


	4. HB/Everyone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It seems like everyone in NLA has a bed buddy except for H.B. Time to remedy this!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Qwerty is my cross and they're mute but they're also barely in this.

It was obviously good that the Lifehold had been located and the entire population wasn't about to die suddenly. However, with that taken off everyone's mind, people were free to contemplate more trivial matters. And for H.B., that meant contemplating how so many others in the barracks seemed to have a bunk buddy while he was alone.

At first, he justified it simply: his standards were too high. No one in the entirety of New LA was good enough to share an incredibly small bed with him. In fact, no one on the whole planet was good enough. If H.B. was to share his limited sleep space with another, then he would only share it with the very best and such a person (besides himself) didn't exist.

But now, with more time to allow his mind to wander, he had to face the sad reality: he had never properly tested his hypothesis. What sort of leader would he be if he were to spout baseless claims as though they were fact? No better than those fools currently at the top. He sucked in a grim breath and contacted his closest associates.

(Of course, to be a proper test, he should have contacted all of the city, but he didn't know [or care to know] most of the citizens. And, if one is to share such an intimate setting, it's important to know and trust your partner. So, by the mere act of being unknown to H.B., most of NLA had failed to be an adequate bed mate before any true testing began.)

\--

“So that is the reason I have brought you all here. Are there any questions?” H.B. looked down at the assembled crowd.

Awed silence followed. Well, what else could be expected of those who had been given such an honor?

Doug was the first to speak. “So, you want us all to spend a night with you-”

“Platonically.” H.B. quickly cut in.

“Platonically,” Doug repeated, “and you'll grade us based on performance. Then whoever does the best can...continue to sleep in your bed?”

H.B. nodded, “Yes, that seems like a fair reward.”

Doug made some sort of wincing face that was no doubt unrelated to what they were talking about. “Can we refuse?”

“Of course. I have no interest in sharing a bed with someone who doesn't want to be near me.” H.B. adjusted his glasses. “Though I can't imagine who would be so arrogant as to give up this opportunity.”

He may have heard Murderess mumble something about “who _would_ be so arrogant,” but it was likely nothing.

L stood up and clapped his hands together, “We would be delighted to engage in this one dresser night with you! It will provide a most unique bonding experience!”

“I think the phrase you want is 'one night stand,'” Frye corrected. “Though I don't really want to think about doing that with H.B.”

H.B. appreciated Frye's respect of his boundaries.

“Now then,” H.B. began, “the categories you will be graded on are as follows: Warmth, which is how warm you are and how warm you are able to keep me. Softness, how soft you are and how pleasant you are to be near. Space,: I don't want to be smothered by you, but I also don't want to feel as though I'm alone. And finally, safety. There's no point in having an extra person in the bed if they aren't going to help me feel more secure.”

H.B. looked to see that everyone was paying attention. Gwin seemed to have his eyes closed, but that was probably just practice.

“You will be scored out from zero to ten, zero is obviously the worst and ten is the best.” H.B. smiled, “I don't anticipate anyone receiving a perfect score so don't let it depress you when you inevitably fail to achieve one. Now then, we can figure out a schedule that works for everyone...”

\--

L, who was the most eager, was first. H.B. was happy to learn that the xeno was slightly warmer than a human. However, his extra height meant that he occupied more bed and left H.B. with little room for himself. To combat this problem, L lay on his back and H.B. rested on top of him. It wasn't his preferred position but at least resting his head on L's defined pecs couldn't help but make him feel a little safe. Overall, it wasn't an awful night.

L's final score: Warmth- 5, Softness- 3, Space- 3, Safety- 4

–-

To be honest, H.B. was surprised that Elma agreed to this experiment. Not that the colonel didn't understand the value of scientific experimentation, but she tended to favor work that benefited the majority rather than an individual. He supposed everyone needed to sleep so this was basically multitasking for Elma. If there was a way for her to help someone while she slept, she would do it.

They slept back-to-back on the tiny mattress. H.B. wasn't certain if he wanted more intimate contact or if sharing the space was enough. Ultimately, he decided that the lack of contact made it hard for him to judge how good Elma was at snuggling; after all they were barely touching. Well, knowing the colonel was so close did help him feel safe at least.

Elma's final score: Warmth- 2, Softness- 3, Space 3, Safety- 4

–-

 _How did you do on H.B.'s hug test?_ Qwerty, also known as the rookie, signed as they took a seat with Frye and Nagi. They placed their own score card on the table for their companions to view.

Qwerty's final score: Warmth- 2, Softness- 1, Space- 2, Safety- 3.

Frye scrunched his nose at the card. “How did you score so much higher than me on safety? I'm way safer than you!”

Qwerty put up their arms and shrugged in a placating gesture. _What did you get?_ They signed to Frye.

With a frown, Frye displayed his own card. Ones in every category except warmth where he got a three.

 _You're warmer than me at least._ Qwerty smiled as they signed.

Frye just grumbled, “Kid wouldn't know a good snuggle if it smothered him.” He took a swig of his beer before continuing, “What did you get, Mr. Secretary?”

“Twos for everything except safety.” He looked at Frye, who was readying a quip about not being the least safe person. “I got a three in safety.”

Instead of looking disappointed, Frye leaned back and grinned. “Well, I certainly feel safe in your be- OW!” Frye jolted forward to rub at his freshly kicked shin.

“Must be some old battle injury of his acting up,” said Nagi. As he spoke, Qwerty noticed the fade of a glare as his features softened to his normal calm expression. “I'm certain he was going to say something about feeling safe in my care, as does all of New LA.”

Taking a sip of water, Qwerty tried to pretend that they did not just learn more about Frye and Nagi's relationship than they intended to during this luncheon.

\--

“Let's just get this over with,” Murderess grumbled before crawling in to the bed with him.

It was at that moment when H.B. realized that he shouldn't have asked Murderess to participate in this study at all. Sure, he didn't realize how bony she was before being this close to her. No, he couldn't have known that her idea of snuggling involved wrapping all of her limbs around her partner, not unlike a spider smothering its prey. But he had to have been able to predict how completely terrified he was going to be from having this woman less than a breath away from him. He was unable to sleep the whole night, convinced that doing so would result in her slitting his throat.

Murderess' final score: Warmth- 1, Softness- 1, Space- 1, Safety- 0

–-

The fur of Celica's ear slightly tickled as she rested her head on H.B.'s chest. “Is this alright?” she asked. “I've only cuddled with Rock and he's much larger than you, I don't really have to worry about hurting him.”

“It takes more than some weight to hurt me.” H.B. reassured.

“These beds are much...smaller than I expected. It almost makes me miss sleeping outside with Rock,” she mused.

H.B. wasn't sure he agreed with her assessment that a giant space hamster was a better bed mate than he was. No, she must have been saying that Rock was a better bed than he was. He suppose he could agree with that.

A few moments passed as H.B. began to drift pleasantly in to sleep. Celica provided a nice weight on top of him. And she smelled nice which was an unexpected bonus.

“Hmm... I think I prefer cuddling with Rock,” Celica mumbled.

Celica's final score: Warmth- 3, Softness- 4, Space- 2, Safety- 1.

\--

“So, Hope, uh, how did you do on H.B.'s weird sleep experiment? I don't think I did too well.” Doug immediately chastised himself for coming up with such a lame opener. _Hey, how did some guy rate you at cuddling? Because he sure didn't like_ my _cuddling!_

“Oh, I didn't do too well, either. Let me see.” Hope looked through her pockets for her score card. “Warmth two, softness three, space two, and safety one.” She smiled up at Doug, “I suppose that last one is understandable, I'm hardly the strongest person in BLADE.”

“I wouldn't take it too seriously, I only got a three for safety,” Doug chuckled.

Hope smiled and Doug felt his brain stop. “How did you do with the other categories?”

“Uh...” Doug fumbled for his card before remembering that it was in his hand. “Warmth three, softness three, and space two.”

“We have the same softness according to H.B.”

 _I want to be soft with you,_ Doug thought and managed to not say. He searched his brain for smart thoughts, which he felt must be in there somewhere. “Maybe we should rate H.B.'s cuddling.” Wait, was he basically saying he wanted to cuddle H.B. again?

Hope winced a little, “I think one night of that was enough for me.”

“Yeah! Me too!” Was he agreeing too fast? “No more snuggling experiments for me.”

“Same here. Next time I share a bed with someone, it will be because I want to and not because they're doing an experiment.” Hope met his eyes as she smiled.

–-

Bozé and H.B. lay shoulder-to-shoulder staring up at the ceiling. In a queen or even a twin size bed, this would have been acceptable. But they were in a single. Each of them had a leg and an arm dangling off the bed, and out from the covers.

H.B. had suggested that he rest on Bozé or Bozé rest on him, but the older man refused. He even suggested that they sleep on their sides and not on their back, Bozé said he could only sleep in this position and then complained about H.B. being too clingy whenever he turned on his side.

It was exhaustion and stubbornness on both of their parts that kept them from giving up on this particular experience. H.B. dearly hoped that he would push Bozé out of the bed in his sleep.

Bozé's final score: Warmth- 1, Softness- 1, Space- 1, Safety- 2

–-

The night started off well enough. Alexa and H.B. lay back-to-chest with Alexa draping an arm over H.B. in what may have been called a “spooning” position by those more crass than H.B. He found it surprisingly comfortable to have her so close, though that was unavoidable with the limited room. Plus, he keeping an arm around him meant he was unlikely to roll off the bed in his sleep.

Then Alexa actually fell asleep.

And that was when H.B. learned that Alexa tossed in her sleep. To her credit, she didn't actually knock him off the bed. What she did was spin in place and end up tangled in their shared blanket. H.B. hoped that would at least contain her for the night, but it only served to give her something to fight against as she kept spinning.

Well, he got more sleep than he did with Murderess at least.

Alexa's final score: Warmth- 2, Softness- 3, Space- 1, Safety- 1

\--

“What the hell is the meaning of this?” Yelv screamed as he approached H.B.

Glaring, H.B. asked calmly, “The meaning of what exactly?”

“You gave Phog a four for softness? Phog?! The softest person alive?!”

Looking over Yelv's shoulder, H.B. could see the person in question doing his best to stay hidden behind the screaming man. “It's a perfectly respectable score,” H.B. assured.

Yelv crossed his arms, “Like hell it is. This whole scoring system is bullshit. How did I only get a two for safety?”

“Well, you are yelling at me right now. I feel justified in saying I don't feel safe with you.”

“I'm yelling at you **now,** I wasn't yelling **then**!”

“Ummm...” Phog's soft voice cut in, “It's really not a big deal. I'm honestly okay with H.B. not wanting to cuddle with me.”

Obviously a lie to placate his boyfriend. “See Yelv? Phog agrees with me.”

“That isn't exactly what I said...” Phog trailed off.

Yelv glared at H.B. then looked over to Phog and shook his head. “Whatever. I don't even know why we agreed to this bullshit 'experiment' of yours.” He stormed away, leaving a confused Phog behind.

“I, uh, should go after him...” Phog went after his boyfriend.

H.B. took out his notebook and looked over the scores, a small edit needed to be made.

Phog's final score: Warmth- 2, Softness- 4, Space- 2, Safety- 1

Yelv's final score: Warmth- 2, Softness- 2, Space- 1, Safety- ~~2~~ 1

\--

The first problem H.B. had with Mia was that she was late to their schedule bed time.

“I got lost!” She offered by way of explanation.

“You got lost on the way to the barracks?” asked H.B.

“Yeah.”

“A place that you go to most nights?”

“Yeah.”

“And how exactly did you accomplish this?”

“Umm... I went the wrong way? Then I tried to correct course but I went the wrong way even more. And... Well I ended up in Oblivia and I had to call Qwerty to help guide me back.”

There were no words. H.B. slowly blinked then wordlessly lay back down in the bed. “I suppose you're here now at least.”

This introduced the second problem with Mia; she slept horizontally on the bed in a way that humans were not meant to use beds. Her back was across H.B.'s stomach with he head and feet dangling off either side. How she found this comfortable was beyond H.B.'s understanding, but he supposed that the real issue was whether or not _he_ was comfortable. And...well he was comfortable enough.

Then the third and final problem was that Mia talked in her sleep. Not just a few words, full conversations with someone only she could perceive at present.

“Just leave the socks in the bucket...” Mia mumbled.

H.B.'s eyes flashed open and he squinted as he looked around for any signs of anyone unfamiliar. All clear.

Mia snorted before muttering, “No, the hand lotion is for paying customers only. You need a subscription.”

Closing his eyes, H.B. threw his head back on the pillow. At least she wasn't loud.

“Take off that hat, give your booty a whack.”

Mia's final score: Warmth- 3, Softness- 2, Space- 1, Safety- 1

–-

H.B. had expected that Eleonora would have been an average sleep partner. She would likely rest her head on his chest and drift off with the whole experience being remarkably unremarkable. Instead of that, she insisted on looming over him while he slept.

She didn't stand beside his bed, for whatever comfort that was worth. She at least lay next to him on her side as she watched him sleep. Any time H.B. opened his eyes, there was Eleonora looking down at him.

“Don't mind me. Get some rest.” She smiled and it did nothing to reassure him.

H.B. rolled to face away from her. He was positive she was still looking, but at least he didn't have to see it.

Eleonora's final score: Warmth- 2, Softness- 2, Space- 1, Safety- 1

\--

“Irina! Check it out! I did alright on H.B.'s weird snuggle test!” Gwin proudly showed off his score card to his team leader.

“That's hardly anything to brag about.” Still, Irina took the card from Gwin and looked it over.

Warmth- 3, Softness- 3, Space- 3, Safety- 2

Well, it was certainly better than her score of 2 in every category. “Gwin, you know this was out of ten, right?”

The shock and disappointment on Gwin's face told her that he had forgotten.

“Really, it's a stupid score. I'm not sure why any of us agreed to this stupid game,” Irina pouted slightly.

Gwin gave her a quizzical look. “Wait, did you do worse than me?”

“Hey! We have work to do!” Irina snapped.

\--

“I appreciate you agreeing to this, Commander.” H.B. placed his glasses in a drawer on a side table.

Vandham stretched and cracked his back. “Yeah. It's a weird request but whatever, kid.”

A part of H.B. had hoped that Vandham wouldn't agree to his experiment if only so he could add it to the list of ways that those at the top took too hands-off an approach to commanding. However, time and time again, Vandham had proven himself to be one of the good ones. Always happy to lend a hand. Perhaps he didn't get as directly involved in combat as Nagi, but he was perfectly capable of holding his own in a fight. He just happened to be better at overseeing the large picture rather than smaller skirmishes.

There was an immediate problem with sharing the bed, Vandham occupied the whole bed. The only way to share the tiny bed with Vandham was to let Vandham _be_ the bed. And Vandham made a **terrible** bed.

He was all hard muscle with only a bit of soft fat around his middle. How was H.B. supposed to sleep on a hard lumpy mattress like this? He was draped over Vandham with the larger man's hand on his back to keep him from falling. He had no room to reposition himself and had to accept that this was how he would be sleeping if he was to get any sleep.

“We really need to get larger beds in here...” Vandham muttered sounding partially crushed from H.B.'s weight.

“I assume it wasn't a priority.” H.B.'s voice was muffed from speaking into Vandham's chest.

The pair did their best to not move, lest H.B. get tossed from the bed. It wasn't the most pleasant sleeping position, but H.B. was tired and Vandham's arm made a nice weight, reassuring weight on top of him. Perhaps he could get some sleep.

Of course, that wasn't about to happen. It wasn't long before H.B., and all of the Pathfinder barracks, learned that Vandham snored.  **Loudly** . He really should have made a category for noise when he made his list of sleep partner criteria.

Vandham's final score: Warmth- 3, Softness- 1, Space- 1, Safety- 5

\--

Well, that was it, that was everyone H.B. trusted to share a bed with him. He looked over the final scores, all abysmal. It was as he expected, no one was good enough to share a bed with him. He applauded his intuition.

Still, as he lay in his bed, now the sole occupant, it felt strangely lonely. Should he settle for the highest score? L had a 15, was that adequate enough?

No! He was Hector Birtwhistle and he demanded only the very best!

He lay looking up at the ceiling and contemplating what to do. Where else could he look for a suitable bed partner?

Then it hit him.

He bolted out of bed and quickly got dressed before leaving the barracks.

\--

“I thank you all for returning to hear the results of the experiment. I regret to inform you that none of you met my standards.” H.B. spoke from the slightly elevated platform of the mission room while looking at the others in the living room.

As before, his words were met with stunned silence. And one yawn from Gwin who must have thought he would be the winner and got ready by coming to the meeting already tired, poor guy.

H.B. continued, “Don't be sad, though. I'm sure you'll all find someone who will have low enough expectations to enjoy your company.”

“Great. Can we leave?” Murderess, who also must have been heartbroken at not being selected and wanted to go cry with dignity, asked.

“Almost. I thought I should announce to you who did win. It's only fair that you all know who has the bed manners that you should all aspire to,” said H.B.

Did Yelv roll his eyes? No, trick of the light.

“Well, who is the lucky person?” asked Elma.

H.B. stood up even straighter and beamed as he answered, “Ga Jiarg.”

“Ga Jiarg?!” Irina asked in shock.

“I know, it's surprising that someone who was once our enemy would turn out to be the ideal bed mate, but we must accept all manner of surprises in this world.”

Doug shook his head. “I'm surprised that he agreed to your weird game.”

“Why is that surprising? This was a rare opportunity. Of course a man of his discerning taste and high standing would be interested.”

“Wow. I'm real happy for you. Can we leave _now_?” Poor Murderess, she must have been near tears.

“You are dismissed.”

And everyone left to go to find privacy so they could cry in peace.

\--

“Good night, Prince Jiarg,” H.B. yawned.

“Good night, Hector,” said Ga Jiarg.

The Wrothian was curled at the foot of the bed. From there, he was a good distance away while still being close. H.B. was aware of, but not smothered by, his presence. Ga Jiarg was also perfectly positioned to keep H.B.'s feet warm which was just the right amount of heat. With the blanket between them, H.B. couldn't fully feel the softness of Ga Jiarg's fur, but he knew it was there and that was enough. And honestly, what could be safer than knowing the prince of the Wrothians was in his own bed? The only thing that could have been better would have been a clone of himself at the foot of his bed.

Maybe someday he could have that.


End file.
